My World Changing Plan to Shorten Fall

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and soon we will be aproaching possibly the worst two weeks of the year. It's that awful time between Thanksgiving and winter break that I refer to as "The Bleak Weeks" or simply "TBW". And after thinking about how crappy and awkward they are, I have decided there is only one way to get rid of them: get rid of them.

Everybody hates TBW. First off, nobody wants to go back to work and school for a few weeks after Thanksgiving break, the whole time just waiting for winter break, Christmas, Chanukahhahckckkka, and Kwanza. No one can wait for all the joy, peace, love and corporate profit boosts that skip happily along side the best time of year. Everyone is just staring at the clock waiting for break to start again. It's time to cut this crap out of the year.

Second off, I don't have a second point really, so just go ahead and re read the first point if you really want.

How am I going to do this? Well, naturally we need a minor insignificant holiday such as "Presidents Day" or "Columbus Day" to bridge the gap of Thanksgiving to December. You know, like the kind where you're not really sure why they're there, but you're just fine with it cause you get out of school. I call it "Horray For Native Americans Day." It's only fair we give them a bit or recognition, seeing as we robbed thier graves, stole thier land and put them in the desert. They deserve a little horray once a year.

Once that is over, we move right into winter break, thus ending November at the 27th and starting December at the 15th. To make up for time we'll have a three week sleeping spree in January.

Who can argue with any of this? It's time to start sending letters to you're congressmen people. We're putting this sucker in the constitution.

-Kyle

The Granola Bar Crisis

Recently lots of obscure crimes have been happening around the US. The JonBernet case (which, might I add, seems to get alot more screen time than the war or any other important issue) and the boy that got locked in his closet by a foster parent have been all over the news. But little do you know that a terrible crime has been commited by a man I thought I could trust: the Quaker Oats Man.

Cosco, a beautiful store that could only happen in America, selling boxes of gummies larger than Mrs. Johnson and buckets of just about anything you could think of at rock bottom prices, was selling big ol boxes of granola bars. My mom decided to buy them, since I can easliy go through a normal box in one sitting. I was happily chowing down on them today, pulling granola bars out at random. The box contained 60 bars, some Chocolate Chips and some Peanut Butter and Chocolate. I noticed many more Chocolate Chips comming out than Peanut butter. And then I noticed it:

The box conained 36 Chocolate chips..... and only 24 Peanut butter!!

The Quaker Oats man used to be someone I could trust, but no longer. He's laughing all the way to the bank now, selling less Peanutbutter than Chocolate Chips to us unaware citizens. Truly, this is a food crime larger than none other. I can just see all of the poor childrens' faces... thier parents bought them a box of granola bars and it turns out there are only 24 peanut butter and 36 chocolate. Why?! Why Quaker Oats???

This is why I am starting some awreness: Parade for Peanutbutter. We need to show the government what is going on, and we must stop this nonsense that the Granola bar industry has been pulling off for quite some time now.

May I leave you with PFP's new slogan:
WE WON'T SLEEP, DAYS OR NIGHTS
TILL PEANUT BUTTER GETS ITS RIGHTS

Stop the Chocolate Chip oppression.
-A somber Kyle

A public serivice announcement to dog owners

Hello again blog,
Today, I was mowing the lawn, when to my dismay, a large brown smelly object got in my way, and I was forced to mow over it. No, I didn't kill Cedric the Entertainer. I'm talkin bout something a little bit more obnoxious with a little better acting skills. Dog crap. And I don't own a dog.

Look, if you own a dog, which tons of people do, do me a favor and pick up the poo. This lady walks by every single week and has her dog take a dump on my lawn. The dog is your property, and I consider it's crap your crap.

Now back to your regularly schedualed program
KYLE

Army Commercials confuse me

Ah, the blog. It's good to be back. It's time to get down to buisness.

Ok, so I've seen this commercial for the army about 3,000 times and I'm sure you've all seen it as well. The scene is set with a bunch of terrorists undoubtedly planning something devious, such as ending the world supply of twinkies or blowing up a country. Then we zoom to a camera a 100 yards away from the terrorists, camoflauged with an army dude behind it. Everything is all fine and heroic. Then, the voice-over comes in.

"You've been assigned to spy on the enemy in the desert. You have been given 9 days of food supplies. (Dramatic zoom in) It's day 12 of the job. ARE YOU UP TO THE CHALLENGE? Then quit your life and join the army today!" Just kidding about that last sentence.

While I was watching this, I was very confused. First of all, you're trapped in the desert with a bunch of terrorists. That doesn't seem so awesome to me. I personally would prefer to be as far away from them as possible, thank you very much. But then the real kicker comes in: apparently you're STARVING out in the desert with a bunch of terrorists. How fun is that?

Somehow, this really does not make me want to join the army. Starving in the desert close to potential ers isn't my opinion of an optimal job oppertunity, but maybe that's just me. The funniest thing about this whole thing is that if someone did this with any other product/job advertised on TV, no one would ever consider it. I can just see it now..."Buy the new Dove Soap: Dove Delux! It's got sharp edges and could poentially kill you if you get it in your eyes! Buy Dove Now" or "Come down to McDonalds to work! You will work in the danger of getting burned and possibly even assulted by customers! You may even starve! Come join the adventure!"

It's not that I have anything against people in the army, anyone who is in the army is alot braver than me, I can tell you that. I have alot of respect for the military. But anyone who watches that commerical and stands up and says "Pack my bags ma, I'm goin' to Iraq!" just is beyond me. Someone needs to wake up whoever is asleep on the job over at the army advertising company.

Well, that's all I have to say. You stay classy, Wyoming!
KYLE

Soundclick! yay

Yes, my glorious techno known as "vortexx" is now upon the great pages of Soundclick. Please listen in, every play counts. Currently, my track RA1N STORM is #36 on the Jungle sub charts which is crazy. Please keep supporing da music.

KYLE

Is that all I get?

I got the new Ipod for christmas, a 30 gig video. This thing is amazing. It plays videos, songs, photos and even talks to you and bakes cookies. But the thing is that it's battery life isn't much longer than the time it takes me to do a chin-up (aproximately 8-9 hours) but I can live with that. That's not the real problem with the Ipod. Oh no.

I'll tell you the real problem.

So I was playing solitare on this thing. I love solitare. I suck at solitare. But I love it. I've already spent more time on this thing than I do sleeping (ok not really) but I have a feeling it will take a grasp of my life to the extent that twinkies have. Well I was playing solitare a few nights ago. I was in my room, sitting in bed and I'm starring at this screen. My eyes are practically dying here. I'm squinting at this little screen, carefully placeing each little card in each little space. After many painful minuets of squinting, scrolling and clicking each little card in place, I finally got every last little bugger in there for the first time. Let me tell you, this was a landmark in Kyle Smucker history. Almost as big as the time that I.... well.... I can't think of anything. So basically, this would be the timeline of my life as of now.

The life and times of Kyle Smucker:

1990- born 2005- wins solitare
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So obviously I'm expecting something big here. Like a message directly from apple, like a live streaming video will pop up directly from the IPod staff: "Congragulations, Mr. Smucker!" some young blond lady will say enthusiastically, "You've won!" I would then later on recieve my new car and a year's supply of chocolate carmel Ice cream. Frot page of the paper: BOY WINS SOLITARE, MILLIONS ASTOUNDED!

But no. This is too much to ask. All I got was these painfully simple words:

We have a winner!

We have a winner? WE HAVE A WINNER? WHAT? Is this all? Is this all Apple has to offer for the mighty victor of the card game solitare? No car? No blond lady? Not even a little animated firework show? I stared at the screen, waiting for something more. Obviously there is a joke being played on me here. Obvisouly there is something going on, some sort of crazy prank. I'm waiting for a creepy looking guy with a combover wearing a suit to come up to me and yell, "Got cha! You're on cadid camera!" But I have a feeling that this is but a far of dream.

After my long period of hard work, after the toil and struggle, the climax of it all is a little message saying I'm a winner. Now how depressing is that? It's like working your butt off as a painter all your life and when you finally submit it into the grandest art competion of all you get a little ribbon that says "well this blows, but at least you tried." This one hurts, apple. This really hurts.

Defeated,
KYLE

Hippies: wastes of space or world changers? You decide! Just kidding, I decide.

Hippies... hippies are annoying me.

Now I don't mean as people. I love hippies as people. Most of them are great people, such as my good friend Mikey. He's a hippy and he's a nice guy. Hippies are nice guys. Its not thier personality that sucks. It's their overall purpose that sucks.

Hippies think they can sit around and change the world. Those two things don't really go together. See they go off into the woods and light up and have peace circles and sing songs. They say with peace they can change the world.

Theres a problem with that. Sure peace can change the world. But what is a circle of pot heads singing songs out in the woods going to do? Do you think that's going to stop a war? No. Do you think Woodstock really changed the Vietnamm war? No, not really. Mostly it was just a great concert.

Hippies, I have a message for you. Put on some shoes. You're not doing anything but taking up space if your going to sit around and be little bums. No... you have to get active! Get involved in politics. I'll tell you something: the first hippy that is elected as a congress man will change more than every other hippy in the world has ever changed. Basically, do something constructive.

Wolrd peace is awesome, but honestly, sitting around with a bong isn't doing anything for it.
Actually, it's probablly making it worse considering many wars in South America are involved with drugs.

So anyway, put down the protest signs and actually do something. Trust me, Bush could care less about another protseter. In his words "you get used to it after a while".